I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
