There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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