Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
