brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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