It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
