I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
