I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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