Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
