Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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