I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
