A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
