What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
