where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
