the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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