My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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