I think I won the penis lottery.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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