I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
