Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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