after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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