currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
