He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
They are going to name an STD after you.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
