I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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