I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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