someone owes me an orgasm
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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