god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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