All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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