He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
