I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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