a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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