Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize