Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm passing your future prison.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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