toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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