At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
