Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
