It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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