If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
