She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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