The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
