i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
