meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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