She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I think I just sharted jello shots
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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