The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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