My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
