I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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