I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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