I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
