I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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