hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
