toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Randomize
