dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
