i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
