awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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