We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
