Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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