ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
