YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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