So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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